The Third Time Is Not the Charm

Dear Michelle Valentine,
Help! I have just broken up with the third boyfriend I've had in the last six months (one of them from my church) for the same reason-- strip clubs. I'm almost 30. Where can I meet decent, grown-up men who are over this nonsense? Would it be all right to mention this in a personal ad, and how?-- "n/s, n/d, n/porn"? Where are all the faithful and true men? I'm tired of little boys.

Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,
If all three of your last boyfriends frequented strip clubs, you definitely need to overhaul your dating strategy. Many people--and I am one of them--believe that when a man is committed to a woman, frequenting strip clubs is a form of infidelity. So it is a serious issue for me, as it sounds like it is to you as well. The best way to avoid painful break ups with men who don't share your values is not to get involved with them in the first place! If you have had three boyfriends in six months, you are not dating long enough--or enough men--before choosing one and getting bonded. It may sound like a cliché, but some medical studies show that women start to bond the very first time they have sex with a man. Draw a line in the sand between dating and having sex. Your first dates should include questions about values-- and no sex until you know who the guy really is. You may want to start by asking who their best friends are, how often they get together, what they like to do. Since you are attracting guys who like strip clubs, find some innocuous way to ask them their attitudes about adult clubs. If you are driving by one, ask him, "Have you ever been in there?" or "How do you feel about going to those places?" in a non-judgmental way. After all, he means nothing to you- yet. Most men who are not interested in strip clubs will tell you so, because they want you to know. Men who go to the clubs will say something like "not often", or "only with the boys"-- I suggest you move on! Another value here is honesty. I would want to know when my future partner thinks it is okay to lie. You can ask them things like, "Would you ever tell a story to ease someone's mind?" "In what circumstances?". It always amazes me that people will actually tell the truth about lying. Where are all the faithful men? Right before you eyes-- provided you pay attention. My hunch is that you may subconsciously want something paradoxical-- a sensitive guy who acts like George Clooney, for example. Define your values, and open your heart... you may find the man of your dreams!

Amore till next week